Patrick Walsh
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T-U-R-T-L-E POWER!
posted Tuesday, 18 July 2006
The Ninja Turtles. I discussed the comic yesterday. I loved the Nintendo game, even though I could never figure it out. (I always just wound up slashing at air in the sewer for an hour before giving up and moving on to "Paperboy.") The cartoon was amazing, obviously. And the toys. God, the toys. I had turtles with shells that stored weapons. I had turtles that came with "disguises," such as a trenchcoat. Yep, nobody would notice a giant walking turtle if he had a trenchcoat on. I had April O'Neill, who was hot even as plastic. General Traag. Napoleon Bonafrog. Leatherhead. I had the Ooze, which ruined a section of the carpet in my parent's house that I'd imagine still perplexes the owners of that house.
I also used to force my sister's Barbies to have sex with the Turtles. I imagine that will come to light in therapy.
But I think the Turtles' finest hours were on film. They really made some great flicks. The original movie filled me with pants-wetting excitement. I loved every second, and I left the theater, well...SHELL shocked. Thank you. I didn't even mind the bizarre sequence involving Splinter coming to the Turts in a campfire vision. OK, I minded that a little.
"Bossa Nova! Chevy Nova?"
And who could forget the song "T-U-R-T-L-E Power," which was apparently rushed out to capitalize on the success of the Turtles, while neglecting to get any of the facts straight. Which REALLY upset this young man, I can tell you! I mean, "Raphael! He's the leader of the group transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop!"
Um...no he fucking isn't! At least ask someone who the leader is before you record it and ship it out. I hope Leo received a personal letter of apology. You can bet Raphael enjoyed that little power trip for weeks after. Below are the lyrics, which are just beyond hilarious now, but I took them very seriously as a boy. Believe it or not, I have included them below FROM MEMORY! I didn't even look them up.
Favorite line in a literal sea of incredible rhymes? "The crime wave is high with muggings mysterious. Our police and detectives are furious!" God, that's good. And people rave about Eminem's supposed "flow."
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
On a half shell, they're the heroes four
In this day and age who could ask for more?
The crime wave is high with muggings mysterious
Our police and detectives are furious
cause they can't find the source
Of this lethally evil force
This is serious so give me a quarter
I was a witness, get me a reporter!
Call April O'Neil in on this case, and
You'd better hurry up, there's no time to waste!
We need help, like quick, on the double
Have pity on the city, man it's in trouble!
We need heroes like the lone ranger
When Tonto came pronto, when there was danger
They didn't say they'd be there in half an hour
cause they displayed...
turtle power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
Now our miss reporter was hot on the trail
Determined to put these crooks in jail
She spied the bad guys and saw what happened
But before she knew it, she fell in a trap and got caught!
Yeah, she was all alone
With no friends, and no phone
Now this was beyond her worst dreams
Cause she was cornered by some wayward teens
Headed by Shredder they were anything but good
Misguided, unloved, they called them the Foot
They could terrorize and be angry youth, and
They mugged the people. who needed proof?
Then from out of the dark came an awesome sound!
Shouted "cowabunga!" as they hit the ground
From the field of weeds the heroes rescued the flower
Cause they possessed...
turtle power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
Do you stand for what you believe in?
And find the strength to do what's right?
That's turtle power!
Heroes on a half shell, they're on a mission
When there's a battle got the enemy wishin'
That they stayed at home, instead of fightin'
These ninja masters with moves like lightnin'
They were once normal, but now they're mutants
Splinter's the teacher so they are the students
Leonardo, Michaelangelo, and Donatello
Make up this group with one other follow
Raphael, he's the leader of the group
Transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop
Pizza's the food that's sure to please
These ninjas are into pepperonI and cheese
Back to the story, it's not hard to find
Ninjas not just of the body but of the mind
These are the words that their master instructed
But a letter from shredder has splinter abducted
That was the last straw, spring into action
Step on the foot, now they're gonna lose traction
Now this is for real, so you fight for justice
Your shell is hard so you shout, "they can't dust us" four!
Like some old coffee table
Since you were young you've been willing and able
To defeat the snake, protect the weak
Fight for rights and the freedom to speak
Now the villian is showin' so you take a stand
Back to the wall, put your sword in your hand
Remember the words of your teacher, your master:
"evil moves fast, but good moves faster!"
Then light, shining for your illumination
Good versus evil equals confrontation
So when you're in trouble don't give in and go sour
Try to rely on your...
OK, I think you know where this is going. The song has more plot than the movie! Can you imagine an aspiring rapper walking into a studio today with a song like this?
Oh, and do you want to see the music video? Good luck trying to get this song out of your head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kp26vKAsVo&mode=related&search=
You're welcome.
The second Turtles film, Secret of the Ooze, is one of the most underrated movies of all time.
You say Abbott and Costello. I say Tokka and Razar. It combined my two biggest loves of that era, Ninja Turtles and Vanilla Ice, who silenced those who referred to him as a one-hit wonder (though he had already done this with a salacious number known as "Havin A 'Roni," off To the Extreme), by delivering an emotional silver bullet called "Ninja Rap." Go Ninja, go ninja go! OK, confession time, I know every lyric to this song as well, and I was going to quote a few favorites but then realized I couldn't decide what to include and what to leave out. It was like Sophie's Choice. Just enjoy the whole song:
YO! It’s the green machine -- Gonna rock the town without bein’ seen
Have you ever seen a turtle get down? -- Slammin’ Jammin’ to the new swing sound
Yeah, everybody let’s move -- Vanilla is here with the new Jack Groove
Gonna rock, and roll this place -- With the power of the ninja turtle bass
Iceman, ya know I’m not playin’ -- Devestate the show while the turtles are sayin:
Ninja, Ninja, RAP! Ninja, Ninja, RAP!
GO GO GO
Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go Ninja. GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
GO GO GO GO
Lyrics, fill in the gap -- Drop that bass and get the NINJA RAP
Feel it, if you know what I mean -- Give it up for those heroes in green
Just flowin, smooth with the power -- kickin’ it up, hour after hour
Cause in this life there’s only one winner -- You better aim good so you can hit the center
In it to win it, with a team of four -- Ninja Turtles that you gotta adore it’s the:
Chorus
Villians, you better run and hide -- Because one day you might not slide
Choose your weapon but don’t slip -- Vanilla’s in control with the flex of the mic grip
Rockin’ the crowd the way it should be rocked -- With the Miami drop that you like alot
Hittin like a Ninja Turtle when the bass kicks in -- You better check your level
The power of the Ninja is strong -- Fightin’ all the crooks until they’re all out cold
What else can be said about that really? I think it speaks for itself. "The power of the Ninja Turtle bass." What?
The second film also featured one of my favorite dialogue exchanges of all time:
DONATELLO: The perimeter's quiet.
LEONARDO: Yeah, a little too quiet.
(They beat up some foot soldiers)
DONATELLO: Wow, that was easy.
LEONARDO: Yeah, a little too easy.
DONATELLO: Look, it's Raph!
MICHAELANGELO: Yeah, a little too Raph.
I mean, c'mon. That's really funny!
The less said about Turtles III, the better.
Wow, what a disappointment. Although maybe it's like Godfather III syndrome, when the first two are revered as American classics, it's hard to compete. Still, sending them back to Samurai times? Who GREENlit that? Thank you. I remember this
kid Justin Kirk who I went to school with telling everybody on the playground: "There are going to be SIX Turtle movies! Trust me, once you see Part III, you'll see what I mean!"
Guess we're still waiting on those.
Although believe it or not, they are making a new movie, set for release in 2007. The link to the poster is below.
http://ia.imdb.com/media/imdb/01/I/54/90/29f.jpg
Apparently, it's all CGI, which I think is a bad choice. Although, if we finally get to see the evil Krang on the big screen, I'll be more than willing to forgive.
Wow. I'm a little ashamed at myself for writing so much on this subject. But believe me, I could go on. I turn it to you, dear readers. Favorite Turtle memories? Let it out...we don't judge here.
I also used to force my sister's Barbies to have sex with the Turtles. I imagine that will come to light in therapy.
But I think the Turtles' finest hours were on film. They really made some great flicks. The original movie filled me with pants-wetting excitement. I loved every second, and I left the theater, well...SHELL shocked. Thank you. I didn't even mind the bizarre sequence involving Splinter coming to the Turts in a campfire vision. OK, I minded that a little.
"Bossa Nova! Chevy Nova?"
And who could forget the song "T-U-R-T-L-E Power," which was apparently rushed out to capitalize on the success of the Turtles, while neglecting to get any of the facts straight. Which REALLY upset this young man, I can tell you! I mean, "Raphael! He's the leader of the group transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop!"
Um...no he fucking isn't! At least ask someone who the leader is before you record it and ship it out. I hope Leo received a personal letter of apology. You can bet Raphael enjoyed that little power trip for weeks after. Below are the lyrics, which are just beyond hilarious now, but I took them very seriously as a boy. Believe it or not, I have included them below FROM MEMORY! I didn't even look them up.
Favorite line in a literal sea of incredible rhymes? "The crime wave is high with muggings mysterious. Our police and detectives are furious!" God, that's good. And people rave about Eminem's supposed "flow."
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
On a half shell, they're the heroes four
In this day and age who could ask for more?
The crime wave is high with muggings mysterious
Our police and detectives are furious
cause they can't find the source
Of this lethally evil force
This is serious so give me a quarter
I was a witness, get me a reporter!
Call April O'Neil in on this case, and
You'd better hurry up, there's no time to waste!
We need help, like quick, on the double
Have pity on the city, man it's in trouble!
We need heroes like the lone ranger
When Tonto came pronto, when there was danger
They didn't say they'd be there in half an hour
cause they displayed...
turtle power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
Now our miss reporter was hot on the trail
Determined to put these crooks in jail
She spied the bad guys and saw what happened
But before she knew it, she fell in a trap and got caught!
Yeah, she was all alone
With no friends, and no phone
Now this was beyond her worst dreams
Cause she was cornered by some wayward teens
Headed by Shredder they were anything but good
Misguided, unloved, they called them the Foot
They could terrorize and be angry youth, and
They mugged the people. who needed proof?
Then from out of the dark came an awesome sound!
Shouted "cowabunga!" as they hit the ground
From the field of weeds the heroes rescued the flower
Cause they possessed...
turtle power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
T-u-r-t-l-e power!
Teenage mutant ninja turtle!
Do you stand for what you believe in?
And find the strength to do what's right?
That's turtle power!
Heroes on a half shell, they're on a mission
When there's a battle got the enemy wishin'
That they stayed at home, instead of fightin'
These ninja masters with moves like lightnin'
They were once normal, but now they're mutants
Splinter's the teacher so they are the students
Leonardo, Michaelangelo, and Donatello
Make up this group with one other follow
Raphael, he's the leader of the group
Transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop
Pizza's the food that's sure to please
These ninjas are into pepperonI and cheese
Back to the story, it's not hard to find
Ninjas not just of the body but of the mind
These are the words that their master instructed
But a letter from shredder has splinter abducted
That was the last straw, spring into action
Step on the foot, now they're gonna lose traction
Now this is for real, so you fight for justice
Your shell is hard so you shout, "they can't dust us" four!
Like some old coffee table
Since you were young you've been willing and able
To defeat the snake, protect the weak
Fight for rights and the freedom to speak
Now the villian is showin' so you take a stand
Back to the wall, put your sword in your hand
Remember the words of your teacher, your master:
"evil moves fast, but good moves faster!"
Then light, shining for your illumination
Good versus evil equals confrontation
So when you're in trouble don't give in and go sour
Try to rely on your...
OK, I think you know where this is going. The song has more plot than the movie! Can you imagine an aspiring rapper walking into a studio today with a song like this?
Oh, and do you want to see the music video? Good luck trying to get this song out of your head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kp26vKAsVo&mode=related&search=
You're welcome.
The second Turtles film, Secret of the Ooze, is one of the most underrated movies of all time.
You say Abbott and Costello. I say Tokka and Razar. It combined my two biggest loves of that era, Ninja Turtles and Vanilla Ice, who silenced those who referred to him as a one-hit wonder (though he had already done this with a salacious number known as "Havin A 'Roni," off To the Extreme), by delivering an emotional silver bullet called "Ninja Rap." Go Ninja, go ninja go! OK, confession time, I know every lyric to this song as well, and I was going to quote a few favorites but then realized I couldn't decide what to include and what to leave out. It was like Sophie's Choice. Just enjoy the whole song:
YO! It’s the green machine -- Gonna rock the town without bein’ seen
Have you ever seen a turtle get down? -- Slammin’ Jammin’ to the new swing sound
Yeah, everybody let’s move -- Vanilla is here with the new Jack Groove
Gonna rock, and roll this place -- With the power of the ninja turtle bass
Iceman, ya know I’m not playin’ -- Devestate the show while the turtles are sayin:
Ninja, Ninja, RAP! Ninja, Ninja, RAP!
GO GO GO
Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go Ninja. GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
GO GO GO GO
Lyrics, fill in the gap -- Drop that bass and get the NINJA RAP
Feel it, if you know what I mean -- Give it up for those heroes in green
Just flowin, smooth with the power -- kickin’ it up, hour after hour
Cause in this life there’s only one winner -- You better aim good so you can hit the center
In it to win it, with a team of four -- Ninja Turtles that you gotta adore it’s the:
Chorus
Villians, you better run and hide -- Because one day you might not slide
Choose your weapon but don’t slip -- Vanilla’s in control with the flex of the mic grip
Rockin’ the crowd the way it should be rocked -- With the Miami drop that you like alot
Hittin like a Ninja Turtle when the bass kicks in -- You better check your level
The power of the Ninja is strong -- Fightin’ all the crooks until they’re all out cold
What else can be said about that really? I think it speaks for itself. "The power of the Ninja Turtle bass." What?
The second film also featured one of my favorite dialogue exchanges of all time:
DONATELLO: The perimeter's quiet.
LEONARDO: Yeah, a little too quiet.
(They beat up some foot soldiers)
DONATELLO: Wow, that was easy.
LEONARDO: Yeah, a little too easy.
DONATELLO: Look, it's Raph!
MICHAELANGELO: Yeah, a little too Raph.
I mean, c'mon. That's really funny!
The less said about Turtles III, the better.
Wow, what a disappointment. Although maybe it's like Godfather III syndrome, when the first two are revered as American classics, it's hard to compete. Still, sending them back to Samurai times? Who GREENlit that? Thank you. I remember this
kid Justin Kirk who I went to school with telling everybody on the playground: "There are going to be SIX Turtle movies! Trust me, once you see Part III, you'll see what I mean!"
Guess we're still waiting on those.
Although believe it or not, they are making a new movie, set for release in 2007. The link to the poster is below.
http://ia.imdb.com/media/imdb/01/I/54/90/29f.jpg
Apparently, it's all CGI, which I think is a bad choice. Although, if we finally get to see the evil Krang on the big screen, I'll be more than willing to forgive.
Wow. I'm a little ashamed at myself for writing so much on this subject. But believe me, I could go on. I turn it to you, dear readers. Favorite Turtle memories? Let it out...we don't judge here.
What do you think? Leave me a comment! (14)
1. Jackson left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 4:31 am
Wow. Just wow. Pat, if those song lyrics really did come off the top of
your head, I think your virginity has been reinstated retroactively.
2. JJ left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 11:03 am
Wow. HILARIOUS – on so many levels. HAHAH. Yeah, the Turtles were cool ---
I think I will re-watch the movies based on your glorious reviews. Your
readers might enjoy: www.retrojunk.com
3. Flick left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 11:46 am :: http://kaflickastan.blogspot.com
I will echo the astonishment of previous readers: Wow. From memory. Kind
of cool, but kind of, well, how many hours did you spend memorizing those
lyrics as a child? Did you keep rewinding the tape over and over again to
practice?
4. Dale left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 12:33 pm
Pat you continually amaze me with the amount of random knowledge you have.
I endorse all above comments giving them there just deserves.
5. Matthew left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 3:05 pm :: http://www.turboshark.blogspot.com
Tokka and Razor was Eastman and Laird's concession to the studio who wanted
Bebop and Rocksteady.
6. Matthew left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 4:43 pm :: http://www.turboshark.blogspot.com
I looked it up, and no she wasn't in Chained Heat 2. But she was in
Armageddeon. Whoa...brainstorm: A female prison...on a meteor!
Chained Heat 2121: Assteroid.
7. Bryan left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 5:11 pm
My favorite Turtle's song was "Coming Out of Our Shells." It was such a
kick ass ballad. Bon Jovi eat your fucking heart out! And it had a good
message too. Because we all have "shells," you know? And there are times
when we need to stop hiding, take a risk and just come out of them.
8. Jackson left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 5:46 pm
Holy shit, April from the original was also Jeanne Tripplehorn's bitchy
sister in one of the later episodes of Big Love. Fuck, I knew I remembered
that actress from somewhere, I just didn't realize it was from a movie I
saw like six times in the theaters. Still have no idea who she was in
Armaggedon, though.
9. RØB left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 9:01 pm :: http://www.pancakeproductions.net/
Mic check, one two, one two--mic check, one two, one two.
10. Mike left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 9:40 pm
Dale,
11. Matthew left...
Tuesday, 18 July 2006 9:59 pm :: http://www.turboshark.blogspot.com
I think it was Laird and Eastman who didn't want Bebop and Rocksteady.
12. JJ left...
Wednesday, 19 July 2006 8:32 am
1st: Kudos on giving me a Nintendo flashback.
2nd: YOU ARE ALL F'N NERDS! Now, if you will excuse me... I need to check
the stats for my Yahoo Fantasy Baseball team.
13. Flick left...
Wednesday, 19 July 2006 1:10 pm :: http://kaflickastan.blogspot.com
Pat,
14. Matthew left...
Thursday, 20 July 2006 7:02 pm :: http://www.turboshark.blogspot.com
Holy Crap! Check out the trailer for the computer animated Turtles! Looks
teh awesome!