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Swishing, Rinsing, Bleeding, STDs and Anal Sex
Went to the dentist yesterday for the first time in about three years. The dentist told me I have perfect teeth. My secret? Ridiculous amounts of sugar, swishing with coffee, and an annual flossing (at best). I honestly don't know what happened, I was expecting a cavity fest. Never had a cavity. What do you think about that? Think I should move on to another topic? Done.
I gave blood today. Made me feel good about myself. Are you aware of the extreme personal nature of the questions you get when you go to a blood bank? They start things off pretty basic, Have you taken aspirin in the last 72 hours? The next thing you know, it's (and these are actual questions from the sheet):
1) Are you a male who has had sexual contact with another male, even once, since 1977? Um, no. Have we met?
2) Have you ever taken money, drugs or other payment for sex since 1977? Despite all the offers, no.
What I wanted to ask them here was, if I fucked every man, woman and child I came in contact with, most of them condomless and up the ass, then jumped into a pool of syringes, but did it all in 1976, would you still want this blood?
3) Have you ever paid someone else for sex? Does dinner and a movie count?
This disclaimer was on the bottom of the sheet: Keep in mind "sexual contact with" applies to ANY of the activities listed below, whether or not a condom or other protection was used:
*Vaginal sex, meaning contact between penis and vagina. (Oh, thank you for clearing that one up. Done it, but not with a hooker).
*Oral sex, meaning mouth or tongue on someone's vagina, penis, or anus (Is there a worse word than anus? Can you imagine asking someone, "Excuse me, can I put my tongue on your anus?")
*Anal sex, meaning contact between penis and anus (Haven't gotten her drunk enough yet).
Have you had syphilis or gonorrhea in the past 12 months? (1 "N" and 2 "R's" in gonorrhea. Gotta remember that for when I make STD jokes on the website).
I mean, these were some hardcore questions! This brought me to a few questions of my own. Does this line of questioning mean that no gay man who has engaged in sex can give blood? If they are having such an incredible shortage of blood, as they always claim, doesn't this seem a little ridiculous? Is it that over-the-top dangerous to be gay in this day and age? That just struck me as odd.
A lot of people go into sex horrified about the girl getting knocked up, (I think particularly girls have this fear). My fear has always been STDs. Not because I hook up with particularly slutty girls, (although I've had a morning or two where I furiously scrubbed the junk in the shower with steel wool), but because I would hate to have to engage in the whole "I have herpes" convo every time I took my pants off. I have always been overly paranoid about catching something, which is probably why I'm clean as a whistle in the dong department. That's one huge relief about being in a committed relationship, you know you're golden. Unless the partner is cheating on you. And what a way to find out! How about that for a double whammy!?
I think that awkward exchange might sound a little something like this:
Guy wakes up one morning, scratches balls, discovers herp colony.
GUY: Hey, that's odd. What's going on down here?
GIRL: Oh, you probably have herpes.
GUY: What? Why?
GIRL: Because the guy I cheated on you with had herpes.
GUY: GAGOO?!?!?!?
Fade to black as we hear two gunshots, two thuds, and the scene ends.
Did you guys hear Chris Penn died? How weird is that? He was only 40. I remember he looked really fat when he was on "Entourage" last year but not "soon to be dead" fat. So long, Nice Guy Eddie. You'll be missed.
Hey friends, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I've been noticing the old "hit count" on this site is way up and growing every day. I really appreciate that, if you tell your friends to check it out or what have you. But you know what I'd like to see? More comments. Every time I go out, I learn about more people who read this, so just drop me a line. Leave your opinion, leave your name, argue with me, tell me I'm an asshole, but drop a line. Don't worry, you won't get made fun of. It just makes this a lot more fun for me. When I spend an hour writing something and then put it up, you have to realize I'm checking that comment link over and over again. I'm a very needy person. You don't want to make me sad, do you?
I love the days where big discussions break out. When you all wrote in your Top 5 Ipod songs, that was a blast reading those, and I tried to respond to everyone's thoughts. Go back and read those if you haven't, there's a lot of funny stuff on there, all kinds of people writing in and sharing a thought or two. It's like getting more posts for free! So in the future, drop a line. I'll try to put more questions to the reader out there, so we can get some dialogues going.
You guys should check out www.pandora.com. A buddy of mine told me about it. Basically, you enter a band or a song that you like, you wait a second, and then it plays you a song by them, followed by songs by similar artists that you might like, some you will have heard of, some you haven't. It's pretty awesome, it's free, and if you get to listen to music at work, it's an great way to go. For the most part, they're right, and if you don't like it, just skip it. You can create as many stations as you like. I am getting no money from these people, I just think it's a great idea.
So for today's discussion, why don't some of you give me a favorite artist of yours, and I will recommend other artists you should listen to. For example, if you tell me you enjoy Josh Groban, I would tell you to listen to the sound of remaining a virgin for many years. Keep in mind, I know a lot about music and I am very smart. You are in good hands. And here's todays song lyric:
"Beware I bear more grudges than lonely high court judges. When you sleep I will creep into your thoughts like a bad debt that you can't pay, take the easy way and give in."
PW,
Pat, we used to do this all the time, so you probably know mine, but my top
five are:
Okay, first off, NO, sexually active gay men are not allowed to give blood.
It's ridiculous. Not every gay man out there is having a lot of promiscuous
sex and getting AIDS. Argh.
Alright Mike, here we go.
I would also recommend Elliot Smith to fans of The Beatles, Nirvana, and
being depressed. "XO" is his best album.
hey pat, nice work, seeing as though the only music i don't already have
out of those recommendations is the Dwight Yoakam. I'll have to check it
out cause clearly you are right on with everything else I like...Have you
heard any of Ryan Adam's THREE albums to come out last year? I have them
all (my roommate works for Universal Music) and I must say, there are some
song gems on all of them-- unfortunately not combined onto one album...Cold
Roses and Jacksonville City Nights are pretty good albums...29 is okay...
Daver - can I ask you why you saw "The Family Stone" in the first place?
Could you not tell from the previews that it would be a cheesy, lovefest to
Christmas and family? The fact that you appear to have hated it so much,
makes me doubt that you have a soul.
I put a link to yer blog on my website's links page awhile back...not that
that's accounting for any of your increased traffic, but who knows? I've
got PageRank, after all!
Pat, the real reason your count is so high is because I desperately check
your site every 3 seconds hoping and praying for a new entry to entertain
me. I also religiously check hollywoodrag.com, thesuperficial.com,
perezhilton.com...my favorites!
Lauren - the previews made it seem like a hilarious romp, a la "Meet the
Parents". And my girlfriend echoed the themes of said preview, though I
don't hold her accountable for my egregious error in seeing this movie. And
it wasn't a "cheesy lovefest", it was a poorly written hodge-podge of
recycled themes with enough Hollywood A-List talent that the producers
thought it could slip it by most of the audience. This isn't about soul,
it's about quality. Cheesy lovefests are not my cup of tea, but if I'm
going to see one, I'd rather not leave the theatre feeling like I've been
cheated. And Durmott-Everrett-Mul-Ruprett can go to hell!
I definitely know that a lot of my friends have started reading your blog
religiously after I linked to it...I have a few friends who have never met
you but are pretty much in love with you. Watch out, Lauren!
Wow - that pandora site is pretty genius - although i wish I could rate
songs as "eh" instead of just loving or hating it. But I appreciate that
it actually apologizes when I tell it I don't like the song - "we will
never play that song for you again!"
Jill- I have to take a break every day to check those sites you sent me.
It's internet CRACK.
Jill, I will not allow you to take credit for the limited success of this
blog.
Pat - We can agree to disagree, but you misinterpreted what I was saying. I
didn't want themes, let alone recycled themes. I really just wanted to be
entertained! Does anyone remember laughter?!
OK PW,
Joe, that is Rage Against The Machine's "Vietnow."
I assume you will refer to me as "Golden God" from here on out.
I also just recently went to the dentist, found out I got my first cavity
ever...what a bastard.
Pat,
Looking closer at the site, I also found a part where they ask you to pray
for certain people in movies who have sinned and need us to pray that they
find god. Todays people: The producer of the Matrix and Annette Bening
Ok, not to harp on this, but if you read only one review on it, you have to
read the review for the movie "Michael" about John Travolta as an angel.
It is solid gold.
GG,