Slow Jamz

Best Buy offers a 4 year warranty on all electronics for 40 bucks. PURCHASE THIS WARRANTY. I bought one of the first Ipods two years ago, a big bulky 40GB contraption for $500, (a week before the price dropped and they streamlined the design--thank you, vengeful Lord). The battery life started really sucking on it, I brought it in to Best Buy with the warranty, they give me a new 60GB Ipod Photo! Free! Sweet! Then the next day they introduce the VIDEO Ipod! I was devastated, I bring back my OPENED Ipod Photo, and they swap it out for the video. So I now have an black 60GB Ipod Video...and I didn't have to pay for it. I love you, Best Buy.

I have 12,000 songs on my Ipod.

According to the Ipod, my top five most played songs since I got it are:

1) "You Wouldn't Like Me" by Tegan and Sara

2) "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean

3) "The Bleeding Heart Show" by New Pornographers                                                                                                        

4) "Tired Of Sex" by Weezer

5) "The Imposter" by Elvis Costello

My God, I need to stop listening to "Caribbean Queen."

Playlists I have on my Ipod:

Gym Mix, Depressed Mix, Angry Fucking, Romantic Fucking, Christmas, and Party Up.

Having fucking mixes might seem a little trashy to you, but creating a mood is important. The fucking mixes are a tricky business. My strategy on the rare occasions I've had girls over is usually "Oh, let me put on some music" and then I turn on my Ipod like it's on random and it's just coincidence that all of the songs have been strategically designed to remove brassieres. I'm sure the ladies pick up on this, but there's some element of deception in all of hooking up, so who cares?

It's much easier now that I have a girlfriend, I can throw on "The Gambler" and it's still going to happen. But when you're just trying to make out with a random or a date or something, there's so much analysis (hehe...anal) that goes into making one of these playlists. If you're just starting out, beats and mood are everything. Songs that are vaguely romantic as opposed to intensely romantic are your bread and butter. Some rules:

First, you can't have any songs that will make her laugh and kill the mood, so even though Johnny Gill's "Rub You The Right Way" might make me a little randy, it's just too much.

Second, you can't have any songs that are very obviously about sex, that makes you seem sleazy and desperate, (which you are, but she doesn't need to know that). So R. Kelly's "I Like The Crotch On You" is probably out.

Third, you can't have any songs that might scare her. There aren't many songs sexier than "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails, but its swirling industrial beats and slightly suggestive chorus might freak her out. That's more of an "Angry Fucking" song, and you're not there yet. Angry, hard, rough fucking usually comes along with a lot of alcohol and/or a pre-existing sexual relationship where trust and boundaries have been set.

Fourth, and this is not always something you can help, but you want to try to avoid songs that remind her (or you) of other relationships. Music is such a personal thing that this can be a real minefield, as you have no way of knowing which songs will trigger memories or emotions in her. You certainly don't want any overly depressing songs or songs about lost love. If over dinner she tells you "Purple Rain" was her and her boyfriend's song, file that away mentally, and keep it OFF your playlist, or you've got a real mess on your hands. (And you'd rather leave that mess, say, on her stomach).

Fifth, try to find a balance between "Sensitive Romantic Guy" and "Gay Guy," (unless you are gay, in which case, get your gay on). What I mean here is choose your female singers carefully. "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star--YES. "Angels" by Sarah Maclachlan--NO. "Maps" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs--YES. "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel--NO.

Last, and most important, is keep away from any heavy duty L-O-V-E songs. "Too creepy" or "too intense" or "too fast" or "too serious" are girls' biggest complaints about guys. "I Believe When I Fall In Love With You It Will Be Forever" by Stevie Wonder is a beautiful song but it will have her running for the hills if you throw it on the first time she drunkenly consents to you putting your hand in her jeans.

That's my advice. Good luck. Godspeed.

tags: greatest hits  music  sex  love  relationships  

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