Owen Wilson's Suicide Attempt: A Sizzling Us Weekly Exxxclusive!!!

Owen Wilson, affectionately known as The Butterscotch Stallion, attempted suicide last Sunday. Us Weekly, always your #1 source for hard-hitting celebrity newz, was there. Us staff reporter Lou Cypher investigates.

It was no laughing matter for America's favorite funnyman Owen Wilson last week. In an instant, the lovable star went from Wedding Crasher to Wrist Slasher.

Obviously, this is a sad time for Wilson, but most importantly -- how is it affecting ex-lover Kate Hudson? Hudson is now in the arms of Punk'd hottie Dax Shepard -- did this push Wilson over the edge? Hudson, looking summer sexy in a pink Ann Taylor dress, wouldn't comment, but I could tell by her tone of voice that she feels completely responsible.

Mark Spitzer, a Los Angeles man who has never met Owen Wilson but once watched the last 20 minutes of Shanghai Knights on HBO remarks "I can say, without question, that the reason Wilson tried to kill himself is because of love. Specifically, his love of Kate Hudson."

And wait just a minute -- did Hudson publicly hook up with Dax in the hopes that Wilson would kill himself? "Yes," says an unnamed source close to the couple. "Definitely. That's a big yes." Yikes! Guess when K. Hud tries to lose a guy in ten days, she doesn't mess around!

OK, that's settled, but now for the second most important issue here -- what does this mean for Wilson's movies??? Us already told you that Wilson dropped out of Ben Stiller's upcoming film Tropic Thunder. An unnamed source close to the production says "Owen's decision not to perform his cameo in TT is soooo unprofessional. I heard from this guy that got blown by Ben Stiller's personal assistant that Stiller is like, so pissed that his friend would be so selfish. Owen, you signed a contract -- get a band-aid and come down to the set. Right? Is anyone else tired of all these big-time actors being all mopey and suicidey all the time? You've got everything, so just shut up! Oh, and I seriously hope while he's in the hospital he gets his nose fixed, cuz it's gross!"

How is Wilson's family dealing with the newz? An unnamed source close to the Wilsons says sensitive hottie Luke was "totally crying on his way into Pinkberry yesterday. I think it was Luke. Might have been one of the Baldwins. He looked so soulful, like you could tell it was really bothering him. He barely talked to me when I asked him for an autograph, and he didn't even smile when my friend took a photo of the two of us with my camera phone! Rude!"

Hey Luke! If you need someone to "cheer you up," there's always room in this reporter's bed! Meow! Sorry, little editorializing there! LOL!

An unnamed source close to this lady with blonde hair who looks a lot like Owen Wilson and is surely his mother, tells Us, "she did not show up for Bingo on Tuesday night, and Tuesday is double prize money. So yeah, I'd say she's upset about it. Actually, it's quite possible that she tried to kill herself too."

"She did," said another Bingo enthusiast. "I actually know for a fact that Owen's mother also tried to kill herself because of this."

Sources have claimed that Wilson was living a freewheeling lifestyle and abusing several dangerous drugs in the weeks prior to the incident. Is there any truth to this? Angelique Fiero, a sultry Argentenian model/actress who went for coffee with Wilson once in 1997, says "Absolutely. Owen Wilson is a lifelong hard-core drug user. And that time we went for coffee? He hit me."

What's next for the drug-abusing, date-beating, mom-killing Hollywood Bad Boy? An unnamed source heard from an unnamed source at Jamba Juice that he is "resting." But another unnamed source who [may have] gone to elementary school with Wilson heard that Owen might be spending his recovery time canoodling with none other than the ex-Mrs. Pitt... Jennifer Aniston!

"I see Jennifer over at Wilson's Santa Monica apartment morning, noon and night," says an unnamed source in Milwaukee. "This morning she took the garbage out in nothing but a thong and I totally saw her and you could tell that she had just had the hugest orgasm and that Owen Wilson was the guy who gave her that huge orgasm. You could just tell."

This reporter held a summit last night with some of the biggest names in journalism: outrageous celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, fashion expert Steven Cojocaru, Access Hollywood's Billy Bush, E!'s Ted Casablancas, and staff members of both People Weekly and Us. We decided since we were closer to the story than anyone else, we should try to get to the bottom of the whole sad affair. We thought we'd use our positions of power and our grip on the public ear to probe the big questions -- why is America depressed? Is there anything we can do to help? How can we keep the children of America from following Wilson's lead?

But three rounds of mojitos later, we just wanted to have fun fun fun! Cojo kicked up his Manolo heels on the dance floor, a People staffer teased a pudgy eight year-old girl until she developed an eating disorder, and yours truly masturbated with a crucifix!

At the end of the night, Casablancas shared the juicy tidbit that Wilson lost ten pounds while in the hospital.

"Ten pounds?" Perez squealed. "Sister, if trying to commit suicide helps you lose ten pounds, I'm buying some razor blades tonight!"

We all laughed so fucking hard that our Cran-Lattes and Frap-tinis burst out our noses.

Get well soon, Owen!

tags: owen wilson  kate hudson  us weekly  gossip  people weekly  perez hilton  ted casablancas  billy bush  celebrity  

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