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Indiana Jones and Iron Man and Old People
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (C+)
Well, shit.
I am not an obsessive Star Wars fan, so when the three prequels were astoundingly bad, I didn't feel much betrayal beyond losing six hours and thirty bucks. I heard my friends cry, and I listened to their grievances with much amusement, but I didn't really care on a personal level.
I am, however, absolutely an obsessive Indiana Jones fan, and have watched The Thrillogy more times than I can count. Star Wars people, I now feel your pain.
I approached Crystal Skull with the following thoughts:
1) I trust Steven Spielberg.
2) The people I know who have already seen Crystal Skull think that it is better than Temple of Doom, but worse than Raiders and Last Crusade. I consider Temple of Doom the best of the series (and will argue this at length if you have a few hours). So perhaps I will love Crystal Skull more than most?
3) I've waited for this moment for nearly twenty years. It simply can not live up to my sweet imagination, but if I go in with the same lowered expectations I brought to say... Live Free or Die Hard, I should be okay.
To address these points:
1) I no longer trust Steven Spielberg. That trust went away when the movie I've dreamed of since I was a young boy opened with a seemingly endless number of computer-generated prairie dog reaction shots.
2) I don't care what scale you're grading on, or how our tastes differ, anyone who seriously puts Crystal Skull above any of the three "true" Indy films should consider our friendship completed.
3) Live Free or Die Hard was nowhere near the rest of the series, but it never made me wince. Crystal Skull made me wince. A lot. I am glad I lowered my expectations, but it turns out I hadn't quite lowered them enough.
Crystal Skull has some enormous problems. The once-great Karen Allen inexplicably plays her role as if she is mentally handicapped. I'm serious, her love scenes with Ford play like something out of The Other Sister. There are not one but two pointless and snoozetastically boring "sidekicks" (played by John Hurt and Ray Winstone), who very nearly derail the film. (Tell me again, why was the Winstone character here?) The ending is pretty head-scratchingly awful ("the space between the spaces?" Are you fucking kidding me?). And the less said about the Jar Jar Binksian betrayal that is the soon-to-be-notorious "monkeys, vines, and LeBeouf" scene, the better. (Talented, intelligent, Oscar-winning people -- lots of 'em -- signed off on that scene. It boggles the mind.)
And stupid as a lot of it is, it all would have been okay if this were some dumbass action movie, some sequel to The Mummy. But this is Indiana Jones, people. And this script was simply not ready to go. Harrison Ford is certainly game, and it was so nice to see him lighting up the screen again that I might forgive him for Firewall someday (if he personally saves me from rape). The first twenty minutes (outside of the aforementioned prairie dogs) are wonderful, as are pretty much all of the action sequences. There are some laughs. But c'mon, fellas. This is my childhood here. This is a lot of peoples' childhoods. Don't make us wait this long and give us...this. Show some respect.
Show some goddamned respect.
IRON MAN (B+)
Iron Man is a movie that shows some respect, on all levels. Everyone involved seemed to really try, and that's (sadly) refreshing in this day and age. Outside of the Burton Batmans, I'm not big into superhero flicks, especially origin stories. They're all the same, and they're frequently quite dull. But this one gets just about everything right.
The screenplay is tight, the dialogue sharp, the supporting cast outstanding (Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't been this energized since...Gwyneth Paltrow has never been this energized!), the romance touching, the direction crisp, the stunts super-cool. But 90% of the credit goes to Robert Downey, Jr. No one ever thinks they need to cast a great actor in these "suits n' masks" kind of roles, but this just goes to show you the magic that can happen when you do. He crackles off the screen, and keeps the proceedings loose, colorful, and almost improvisatory where most films of this type are stoic, bland, and stagnant. Hopefully this will put an end to the days of letting a major action franchise rest on the shoulders of vacant, sleepwalking, Muppet-featured simps like Tobey Maguire. Downey rocks this thing, and I hope we get more.
YOUNG AT HEART (A-)
A documentary about a middle-aged dude who teaches senior citizens rock, pop, and even punk music to keep their minds sharp and make them feel worthwhile. We learn a lot about the old folks, not enough about the middle-aged dude, and we root for them to get their act together in time for a really big show.
Along the way, there are a lot of laughs (there are some real characters in the bunch), some extreme sadness (the average age is 80-something, so I don't think I'm spoiling anything to say not everyone makes it to the end of the film), and some really terrific musical performances. These guys do Talking Heads, The Ramones, James Brown, The Clash, even -- seriously -- Sonic Youth. Watching these old coots go from hatred of the songs to full-on embracing, from despair to success, is a real treat, and the film is a true inspiration without ever becoming a total schmaltzfest.
That being said, when the utterly charming, movie-stealing, 83 year-old congestive heart failure patient Fred Knittle performs a haunting version of Coldplay's "Fix You" near the film's end, I cried like a little bitch who just had her dolly taken away. And so will you, dear reader.
So will you.
Agreed about CRYSTAL SKULL on all points, and coming from a similar
background of Indy love (though DOOM is not my favorite, there is
love-a-plenty in me fer it). I really could have waited another five years
if it'd have meant they'd have a complete and comprehensive script behind
this thing. Makes you wonder just what about Frank Darabont's script Lucas
hated so much.
THANK YOU! Temple of Doom was my favorite too, mostly because it absolutely
terrified me as a child. The Last Crusade seemed too contrived at times
("We need to find his diary? Hey, I just happen to have this diary-shaped
package in my pocket that I haven't opened yet...").
Totally agree about Indy -- actually, you may have been a bit generous with
the C+. I think I would have delt with it better had it not ruined two
cinematic heroes for me -- both Indiana Jones and Steven Spielberg are no
longer "go to guys" and it hurts a little bit. The Tarzan shit is
unfogivable as is the whole premise frankly.
I thought the last little moment at the end was great, and the entire first
half was classic Indy. The second half was worse than The Temple of Crap,
though. And somebody owes the moviegoing public not just an explanation,
but also a genuine apology for the vine-swinging shenanigans.
I had heard that the David Koepp "script" was not so much an original
creation as it was a patchwork quilt of several earlier works by a bunch of
different people who took a crack at the franchise. After seeing the
movie, you can really see that in the wild tonal shifts.
That scene you took the still from in "Crystal Skull" from looked
disturbingly soundstage-ish. I wanted to walk out right then.
Your readers are getting restless, it seems! I for one think you're well
within your bounds to like TEMPLE OF DOOM best. I don't, but it's not like
A TOTALLY PREPOSTEROUS NOTION THAT SOMEONE WOULD or anything like some of
these people seem to think! All the same, I have been interested ever
since I read a semi-autobiographical play script of yours some several
years ago, in which TEMPLE OF DOOMS superiority was mentioned, to know
exactly what you prefer about it over the others. I think I even asked in
an E-Mail response (which I believe itself went unresponded-to) if that was
a projection of yourself on the character, or some kind of joke, at the
time.
Hey, I don't want to be fenced into a position of hating on TEMPLE OF DOOM.
It's not GODFATHER III, it didn't drastically fail the series or anything.
But to say it's better than RAIDERS is just blatantly batshit incorrect.
RAIDERS has the Biblical incarnation of the neutron bomb. TEMPLE has
rocks. RAIDERS has an amazing script, polished to a mirror gloss by Tom
Stoppard. TEMPLE has FUCKING ROCKS. RAIDERS has Marion Ravenwood, who up
until CRYSTAL SKULL was generally considered to be Indy's greatest foil.
TEMPLE has Ms. Spielberg and MOTHERFUCKING... you see where I'm going with
this.
Well, looks like I'll see Iron Man on IMAX, and rent the other 2.
Temple of Doom was my least favorite. I loved the first and The Last
Crusade was my favorite. Sean Connery added such fun. Sorry to hear you
didn't like this. I have to see it as Son is dying to see it and I can't
send a 7 year old to the movies alone. Oh well.
You're absolutely right. Young@Heart painted my cheeks with salty eye love
numerous times. That's still the best thing I've seen this year thus far.
I swore I wouldn't give Skulls under a B after I saw it, but I'm backing
off of that position. C+ feels about right.
I know I'm late to this, but I refuse to see Crystal Skull because of the
fears I've had, and which you've just confirmed.
Stoney, I know where you're coming from, but even CRYSTAL SKULL is an
homage to the adventure movies of the thirties and forties. There's a shot
of Cate Blanchett standing in front of a waterfall, just before they go in
to chase after the good guys, that could have been ripped wholesale from
the cover of one of those old pulp adventure novels. It didn't stop
CRYSTAL SKULL from being a fly-specked pile of dried monkey shit. I'm not
saying that TEMPLE was that bad, but I did feel like it allowed the homage
aspect to overwhelm the story and characters, whereas RAIDERS and CRUSADE
seemed to be chapters in a larger story.
How long is it going to take you to write a few words for Carlin?