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Holiday Movie Review Roundup: Buckets, Compasses, Legends, Lovers, Debaters, Beowulfs, and Kites
This should finally catch me up on reviews for the 2007 holiday movie season. Enjoy!
THE BUCKET LIST (C-)
Jack Nicholson is a sassy, horny old coot! Morgan Freeman is a saintly, honey-voiced old narrator! Patrick Walsh is bored out of his fucking mind! Maybe (maybe!) if the two stars had switched roles, this would have had a little more spice, but watching these old bastards sleepwalk through roles they've played, and better, soooo many times before is just painful. The whole movie is Nicholson and Freeman standing on Los Angeles sound stages in front of high school play-level backdrops of countries around the world, exchanging vanilla dialogue. The CGI in those travel sequences, and particularly in a hard-to-watch skydiving scene, is embarrassing. No one noticed how fake it all looks, at any point? You know in Wayne's World, when they stand in front of the green screen and wind up in Delaware? That looked more professional. Rob Reiner, who did you sell your talent to? They should have called this The Suck It List. Hiyo!
THE GOLDEN COMPASS (C-)
I don't even like these complicated nerd porn fantasy movies when they're good. I saw this a month ago, and all I remember is talking polar bears growling at each other and fighting. Soooo...that's pretty much all I got. I think everyone else hated it too, so at least we'll be spared future chapters. Is it weird that I only want to bang Nicole Kidman when she's a bitch?
I AM LEGEND (B)
Terrific premise, couldn't have been looked any cooler, Will Smith and the dog are both excellent...it almost doesn't matter that the story pretty much falls apart near the end. Still, the pretentious Bob Marley shit tried my patience.
P.S. I LOVE YOU (C+)
Hey, Hollywood. Hilary Swank is not going to be a romantic lead, OK? She looks like a horse. A horse with great tits, but still a horse. Almost to remind you that Swank is indeed female, they have her run around in a push-up bra for the first 20 minutes of the movie. Much appreciated. Luckily, everyone around Swank is well-suited to romantic comedy, and they play their parts expertly. Gina Gershon and especially Lisa Kudrow bring some snap to their sidekick roles. Kathy Bates does a lovely job as Swank's mother. Gerard Butler is charming, and Harry Connick, Jr continues to surprise me with his acting chops. That dude's good. The plot -- dead husband communicating to ex-wife from beyond the grave through notes -- is a little goofy, but this is more intelligent and entertaining than most movies of its nature, and you get some sweet Irish scenery and a Pogues song on the soundtrack.
THE GREAT DEBATERS (B-)
You know those movies that come out once or twice a season about the African-American basketball/baseball/football/soccer/swimming/fencing/horseshoe team that overcame prejudice and the odds to WIN!? This is the exact same thing, but with debate. Nothing more, nothing less. It's certainly well-made, it's worth a rental, but why didn't they just make this into a very special Sunday night Wonderful World of Disney? They still do Wonderful World of Disney? Anyone?
BEOWULF 3D (C)
Well, I like being given free eyewear. And it's better than The Polar Express (which featured the worst song ever to appear in a major motion picture -- "Hot Chocolate," a 5-minute ode to, you guessed it, how tasty hot chocolate is, sung by Tom Hanks!). But I guess I just don't see the point. Are people's minds really blown by technology that I found mildly impressive on Universal Studios rides at age 12? As for the story, Beowulf sucked in high school, and it sucks now, even with a screenplay co-written by recent murderer Roger Avary. The creature -- played by Crispin Glover! -- is sweet. And it is refreshingly sexy for an animated film. As for everything else...eh.
THE KITE RUNNER (C-)
I didn't read the book, but if this is what America loved so much, then America is dumb. The film is excruciatingly boring for an hour, then it becomes borderline hilarious camp. A scene where Middle Eastern disco music on a boombox is used to cover up/score a beatdown had me laughing out loud. A lot of the plot hinges on a coincidence so ridiculous, I called it ten minutes before the reveal but refused to believe they were going to go through with it. They do. Oh, and the main dude -- Khalid Abdalla, an Irishman, I believe -- gives the blandest lead performance since Orlando Bloom in Elizabethtown.
I love your reviews, but jeez man, what does it take to get atleast a D
from you?
As you know, Pat...I AM a huge nerd and loved the Golden Compass book. But
the filmmakers made a movie that could not be satisfying to anyone. It
moved so quickly from scene to scene and plot point to plot point that
non-book fans had to be confused, and fans of the book had to be
disappointed that the main themes and soul (pretension alert) of the book
are completely lost in translation. Technically, it was done very well
idone in nearly every aspect, but just left me cold. I also wanted fuck
Nicole Kidman, but that's par for the course...
Anyone who says they don't want a piece of Kidman is a liar. She's
gorgeous. But I definately like her red hair better. Wait a minute, I'm
straight. Whatever.
I meant movie time, not lovie time...lol.
I AM LEGEND did LOOK awesome!
Christ, comparring ANYONE to Orlando Bloom in "Elizabethtown" is grounds
for war. Look forward to being attacked by Khalid Abdalla only to kick the
shit out of him. This will be followed by a slingshot to your eye. You'll
cry like a bitch.
-M
I think in "Family Guy" they also made fun of Hilary Swank as looking like
a horse lol.
Yo M,
Joe,
Actually I can't figure out what to make of it. When the trailer starts it
looks like some kind of comedy, or maybe even one of those quirky
documentaries that're so popular (and rightly so) these days, this one
about band geeks. Then as it progresses, all of a sudden it's like an
episode of THE O.C. or something, and somewhere in there it seems like a
trailer for RUSHMORE for a second, or some kind of kidnapping epic? I
couldn't even say exactly what's up with the movie, having seen the trailer
twice.
HAHAHA. Hilary Swank does look like a horse.. I never thought she was
pretty... Gerard Butler though.. Mrow. ;D
I was first annoyed by your pithy review of the Kite Runner since I loved,
loved the book. But then I saw the movie, which is, unfortunately, a
flaccid, Cliffs Notes version of the story. Too bad it didn't get the
book-to-picture adaptation like Atonement.