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Fecal Matters
There is a popular children's book called Everybody Poops. It teaches children the beauty of taking a dump. It lets them know it is perfectly natural, and that every living creature, be it chickadee or wooly mammoth, must, for lack of a better word, poop. I feel some adults, myself included, could use another reading of this important document.
We live in a nation where taking a crap is always accompanied by cover-ups ranging from simple running water to elaborate lies. It seems the country has never quite considered going #2 to be an acceptable practice. Any discussion of it is greeted with upturned noses and disgusted faces. Why is there this huge stigma attached to pooping? You could be dining with the Queen of Frenchtown and get away with excusing yourself to take a pee. But crap is a different matter altogether (quite literally).
Example: Your girlfriend gets wasted at a party and laughs so hard she actually wets her pants. You'd still go out with her, right? You guys would have a funny (albeit uncomfortable) story to tell your grandchildren. Now let's say this same girlfriend gets sloshed at a party and poos her pants. Next stop Dumpsville! (By this I meant "dump" in the "taking a dump" sense and also the "breaking up with her" sense. Really pretty clever. You should go back and reread it and marvel at my verbal acrobatics). Both incidents involve a loss of control, but poop is obviously the harsher offense.
This morning I arrived at work needing to move the bowels. I selected a periodical to accompany the movement. I work in magazine publication, so there are literally huge piles of magazines lying around. I have done this several mornings before, but the difference is that I always stuff the magazine under my shirt or in my pocket. Should I? Is it weird if I walk proudly down the hall and into the restroom, People Weekly in hand? It is, isn't it? Why is that? Well, today, I decided to defy convention and walk to the restroom, mag in plain view. I should point out it did not have a provocative cover.
The looks I got, you would have thought I had beaten a small girl to death with a brick, then dropped to my knees and sucked the blood from her tiny head. Oh, you've never read a magazine on the toilet? Does waste fall from you quickly and without a trace? Stop eye-judging me!
Have you ever been on a date at the movies, and the date is in the bathroom for about 10 minutes, and you know full well he/she is dropping some kids off at the pool? Why should that be so embarassing? But Lord knows, if I'm the one in the restroom, when I come out, I'm always like "God, there was a huge line in there."
Why do I feel the need to make excuses? She knows no one has gone in or out. There was no line. There was no line! I should come out, grab her by the shoulders, yell, "I was pooping, dammit!" and kiss her fully on the mouth. Maybe she would be so turned on by my honesty, she would consent to an Alanis Morissette-style movie theater BJ.
Everybody poops, so why does everybody care? Who gives a shit?
Actually I heard of people getting colon flushings and finding Barbie heads
and pennies that they swallowed as a little kid. Who knows what's swimming
around in your guts?
Yes, the best bars and restaurants will have the daily paper framed at
eye-level in the restroom. As for the pit-stop at work...it is an odd
ritual that no-one want to acknowledge. As for me, I take to elevator up
one level to the 23rd floor, so I will not hear the sounds of a co-worker
or manager...and it's always a great day when a fellow crapper leaves a
dry, clean newspaper for me.
hmm..i feel total opposite Pat. I feel like every guy I have ever talked
always find a way to talk about shit, shitting, the shitter, all of it!
Maybe its a way to make it less awkward. But how is that almost every guy I
have talked to online has said "wait...g2gtas" which means got to go take a
shit! first of all, is this as popular as LOL? and why don't they just say
BRB if they are embarrassed about it? interesting.
I can't believe you pooh anywhere but home. Maybe, once a week, I may use
the toilet here at work, but I will never, I repeat never, use a public
restroom for dropping bombs. But go on and be proud of your pooping. We'll
just avoid the part where you said you would go down on a girl who pissed
her pants - that's pretty disgusting.
FINALLY, a blog about poop. Never a dull Pat... never a dull.
Josh makes an excellent point. By all means, take a dump at home, because
you can listen to music, read your book, and even take a shower.
Joe, you do separate going to the bathroom and showering, don't you?