Hello everybody!

Yeah, been a long time. I know. Let's move past it.

If you're in Los Angeles, you should come and see this tonight:

This is a live spoof of morning shows, and I will be the first guest. I'll be interviewed and will share some funny stories, then I'll switch roles and be the host of an improvised game show segment. Should be a whole lot of fun, and you also get live music and a rabbi! All the pertinent info is above in the invite, hope to see you there.

And for all the rest of you, the fifth season of IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA premieres tonight! This is an insanely funny season, and tonight's episode - "The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis" is no exception. Watch it, DVR it, make it a part of your life! Thanks!

I'd like very much to write a little something about the sad passing of John Hughes, one of my favorite screenwriters of all time. But I fear I don't have the time today to do it justice. So look for that next week. As for today, here's another Friedman/Walsh chat, this one from last summer. Enjoy! And feel free to join the chat!

Ian: Saw that Wall-E this weekend me: your thoughts?Ian: I liked it... it was pretty coolme: what a thoughtful review! got a regular roger ebert over here

Today's Friedman/Walsh chat is from the beginning of the year and covers Ticketmaster surcharges, gym dread, old lady farts, and toaster pastry. Enjoy!

Another Walsh/Friedman chat today - this one is more recent and covers a whole lotta ground -- customer service, TV ratings inflation, the TNT network's summer drama slate, and orgy etiquette. Enjoy, and feel free to join the discussion!

me: i feel like doctors, dentists, cable companies, entertainment folks, store clerks, everybody's giving you about 12%Ian: TopsThat's at the top of what you're gonna get. me: you want decent service, quality work, you gotta go to an old old mana cobbler or something

Due to the frankly OVERWHELMING response to the last Walsh/Friedman online chat I posted (at last count, there had been a stunning THREE comments - one of which was made by a participant in the chat), I have decided to post more. Many more. Today's conversation took place almost a year ago, so excuse all the dated references to poodle skirts and sock hops.

me: you think i should go to my high school reunion? i feel like i could pretty easily bang someone

This afternoon, like most afternoons, I engaged in an online chat with close personal friend (and former co-podcaster!) Ian Elizabeth Friedman. These exchanges always make me laugh, and it just occurred to me that I should be sharing them with the public I have neglected for far too long. A little back story -- we were discussing a female acquaintance who is a little off-balance emotionally - unstable, if you will. I commented "That bitch 'bout as stable as a horse." Things got heated from there.

me: that bitch 'bout as stable as a horse

I can't even apologize anymore. Let's just pretend this hiatus never happened and start to ease back into things with one of my favorite recurring features of this blog, the iPod Shuffle. You know the drill: I put the iPod on shuffle, and record my thoughts on the first ten songs that pop up. Let's gooooooo!

 "Wild Night" by Van Morrison

This song, off Tupelo Honey, is notable for two things. 1) One of the greatest bass lines in rock music. 2) The fairly lame cover version, by John "Cougar" Mellencamp and Me'Shell N'degeochello. (I'm too lazy to look up the proper spelling of her name. If my attempt was correct, I will treat myself to a long, slow blowjob.) I know everyone freaks over Astral Weeks (rhyme) and jizzes their pants over Moondance (rhyme), but Tupelo Honey may be my favorite Van Morrison album. That may be because my parents played it on an endless loop when I was a kid. Then again, they also played Bonnie Raitt's Nick of Time and Don Henley's The End of the Innocence on endless loops, and I don't find myself returning to those adult contemporary classics very often. You've likely heard some version of "Wild Night," but if you've never heard "Tupelo Honey," check that bitch out. It's possibly Morrison's finest song.

"Timebomb" by Beck

Outside of Radiohead, I don't know that there's a modern rock artist that's been as consistently good for as long as Beck. This was a throwoff single I downloaded on a whim, and it's just outstanding. From its attention-grabbing opening - I believe someone is saying "Go fuck a headphone" - to its kiddie choir finale - this apocalyptic ass-shaker always gets me dancing.

"Shelter" by Ray LaMontagne

This is a genre of music I generally detest, the "Sad Bastard Moaning Over Acoustic Guitar About How Sad He Is While He Secretly Plots to Get Into Your Girlfriend's Panties." Elliott Smith and Bob Dylan and the aforementioned Beck have all taken a turn making Sad Bastard Acoustic Guitar music, but when those gentlemen do it (or did it, in Smith's case) it's pretty clear they're not doing it for the poon, but rather because they have to unload the crushing pain in their souls. I get a poon-y vibe from LaMontagne, though he certainly belongs among the better modern SBMOAGAHSHEWHSPTGIYGP artists. He still really annoys me for some reason, and I regret buying this album, which I did because of the admittedly great "Trouble." But then that song was covered by Taylor Hicks, and therefore destroyed in a fiery explosion.

"Why Go" by Pearl Jam

Pearl Jam has never been as important to me as they are to a lot of my friends. I enjoy their music, and I admire their career, but I've never had that intense connection with them. "Why Go" and the other songs off of Ten just don't stop me in my tracks like a Nirvana or a Soundgarden track does. Also, didn't I just hear they're doing a Target commercial? I love me some Target, but...c'mon. Twenty years of sticking it to the man, and then...a Target commercial? Didn't this guy use to bring wire hangers on stage in some sort of amazingly unpleasant abortion quasi-statement? I guess Target does sell wire hangers, but...

"Center of Attention" by Guster

I saw this extremely white-bread band open for Barenaked Ladies back when I was listening to Barenaked Ladies, and their claim to fame was that their drummer didn't use sticks. Just hands. Seemed incredibly painful. They had some catchy tunes, and this is one of the catchiest, but I never pull this CD out and if I thought anyone would buy it, I'd sell it along with the LaMontagne.

"Baby Girl" by Nelly Furtado

Here we go! Love Nelly Furtado. I thought this album was really impressive, diverse, catchy as hell. There's just really not an appropriate time for a straight man to listen to this stuff. For example, this song contains the line "Ba-da-bop-dop-bum-ching-ching," for God's sake. Wish all pop music could be this interesting. Oh, and her "sellout" album, Loose, was even better. I still work out whilst questioning my sexuality to "Maneater."

"Tuesday Heartbreak" by Stevie Wonder

I recently had my mind re-blown by a Stevie Wonder song called "As," and at this moment in time everything that is not "As" sounds like second-tier Wonder (lackWonder if you will), but this gets my pasty white shoulders jiving up and down. People still say 'jiving'? That still considered hip? How about 'hip'? Is that word considered 'square'? People still say 'square'?

"Pueblo Nuevo" by Buena Vista Social Club

I took four years of Spanish, so I feel fairly confident that, translated, this song's title means "New Pueblo." I really enjoyed the documentary on this band that came out about ten years ago, and thus I purchased the soundtrack. It's very sexy, very south of the border-ish. As I listen to this song, I imagine myself slamming a very dark-skinned Cuban chick from behind, in a beachside cabana littered with Corona bottles, while she screams "Ay, Patricio!" and curtains blow all around our sun-dappled flesh. Afterward, as the sun sets, we sip margaritas and she feeds me fresh mango, unaware that I am highly allergic to mango and that it will later kill me. 

"Nobody Told Me" by John Lennon

I feel like we've had this conversation on here before, but solo John Lennon? Often preachy and annoying. I'll take Harrison any day. And I know far too little about solo McCartney and Wings. I've got a two-disc compilation that I'm afraid to listen to because of "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime," a song so actively bad it turned me off both Christmas and wonderful times. Side note, am I gonna have to rebuy all the Beatles albums when they re-release them next month? I know they're "digitally remastered" but I feel like the sound on the discs I already have is pretty quality. I know Rolling Stone is going to have an article about what a "revelation" the new sound is, they say that about everything. "The dogs barking at the end of Sergeant Pepper sound close enough to be humping your leg!" Rolling Stone has, in my lifetime, gone from the best music magazine available to the absolute worst. It's a travesty. Terrible writing, the worst movie reviews outside of Ben Lyons, borderline offensive political essays, etc. But back to reissues, is every band going to do this now? I just found myself re-buying the entire Replacements catalog, but at least those discs had ample bonus material. The Beatles reissues will just be the songs. Thoughts? You laying down the dough?

"Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)" by The Beatles

Well shit, now I just blew all my Beatles conversation on the Lennon song. Nothing really to say here, except that this song is amazing and looking at that Anime picture up top is giving me a little Norwegian wood myself. Ummmm... Beatles Rock Band. You guys into that?

I'm not making any promises this time, but I would like to start updating the blog again, at least weekly. If anyone still checks this site, let me hear you. You know I love it when you shuffle your damn self, and share your ten songs in the comments. And I WILL respond by mocking/praising your music, just as you should do with mine. 

Let me explain. The past six months have been a whirlpool full of whirlwind. After a long trip home to New York for Thanksgiving, I took a long trip home to Missouri for Christmas. After that, my writing partner and I completed a pilot script for ABC Studios and the Fox network. After that, we started back at It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, earlier than expected. Most of the fifth season has been written, including our episode, which involves Kitten Mittens. We wrote and turned in a feature film comedy script. Somewhere in the mix I paid off my credit card debt and acquired a girlfriend (unrelated events). I been busy.

The next several months look busy as well. Sonny and I signed on to handle the DVD content for the fourth season (the last one that aired) of Sunny, the DVD content for the fifth season (which will be airing this Septemberish), the DVD content for the upcoming DVD Christmas special (which should drop around...you guessed it!), and, as we did last year, all of the original website and blog content. 

Am I complaining? Lord no. A year and a half ago I was so out of my gourd and poor that I was forced to murder and eat a family of four. (Tip: If you're going to murder and eat a family of four, regardless of your sexual orientation, start with the females. It's just a more tender cut of meat.) I still stand by my prediction, made years ago, that the world will end in 2020. And things have only gotten worse since I wrote THIS POST.  America is a complete shambles right now and I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have gainful employment (not sure what "gainful" means) in this economy. 

But obviously this blog has fallen by the wayside (not sure what "wayside" means). For those of you who had to come here every day only to stare at Mickey Rourke's ugly mug one more time, I'm sorry. As I've explained before, when you spend most of your time writing for money, it's hard to convince yourself to write for pleasure. It's like the fisherman who would rather gouge out an eye than eat some halibut. Or the magician who doesn't feel like doing his tricks during his down time, thank you very much. Or the serial rapist who just wants to cuddle with his wife when he gets home.

But I'm going to work on it. I can't believe it's the end of March and I haven't discussed my favorite movies and music of 2008. Those lists are coming. But the in-depth movie reviews will probably go. I can talk all the shit I want about the new U2 album (and I intend to), but I can do that because I'm not professionally making music and I will likely never grab a pint with Bono. I can't keep dumping on movies, because I've been meeting and becoming friends with a lot of people who write and direct them. Doing the reviews has always been fun for me, but I can't risk pissing off people I may potentially work with someday. Not that they're all poring over this site, of course, but it seems needlessly risky and dumb. This is why I don't write about television much anymore, it's not a good career strategy. This is why I don't write about my family and ex-girlfriends much anymore, you have to see these people again. It might not make for as edgy a blog, but I'm an adult and I've got a life to maintain.

But I am back, and will try to post with more frequency. Going by my current rate of one post every three months, this should not be difficult. As for you, thanks for not going anywhere!

THE WRESTLER (A)

Much has been written about Mickey Rourke's performance in The Wrestler, and much more will be written. It's the best performance of the year, and one of the best of my lifetime. Rage, disappointment, failure, weariness, surprising humor and charm, it's all there in his face. He almost doesn't need to speak. You don't catch him acting, you can't. He's equally amazing in powerhouse emotional scenes with his daughter and in scenes where he's just filling deli orders at a grocery store (the film's funniest and most delightful scenes). And when I think that he'll likely be competing with (and perhaps losing to) the likes of Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio this year, it makes me really frustrated. He deserves the award, and not because he's earned it by having a tough life or because he's due for a comeback, but because he acted wrestling rings around everyone else. If there is any justice, he'll take the prize. Alright, enough gushing about Rourke. What about the movie?

What bothers me about most peoples' take on the film is that while they acknowledge the greatness of Rourke, they write the film off as a one-note Rocky retread. Really? That's all you got out of it? And what the hell is wrong with Rocky anyway? The Wrestler splits the difference between the shaggy dog aspects of Rocky (it's closer to Rocky Balboa, actually) and the emotional violence and pain of Raging Bull, and that's a mix I'd think anyone would be thrilled to achieve. Granted, certain aspects of the story, like Rourke's strained relationship with his daughter (played by Evan Rachel Wood, who is a bit out of her league but pretty true to how girls of that age behave) are familiar, but Rourke and director Darren Aronofsky see to it that nothing gets too sentimental, ever. I mean, how could one watch the stunning final scene of this movie and not see this as a tragedy of the highest order? Different strokes, I guess. Whatever your take, if that music cue before he goes onstage for that final showdown doesn't make your balls (or breasts) fill with juice (or milk), I don't want to know you.

Let's also pause to talk about Marisa Tomei, who is terrific. Aside from her very strong performance, Tomei is so naked so often in this movie. So naked. So often. And she's perfection. She's never looked better. I know that doesn't have much bearing on the movie, but I want you to see the thing. She plays Rourke's stripper love interest (kinda, it's more complicated than that), and she's a perfect compliment. These are two people who are broken down by life, people relying on their bodies to bring them in money, people whose bodies are very close to giving out. It's a lovely parallel, and they're great together. Their scene in a bar, singing along to Ratt's "Round and Round" is hilarious, awkward, and, like everything else in the film, totally 100% real. 

You are there, for every scene of the movie. You're in the shitty parts of New Jersey, you're at a run-down carnival, you're in a hellishly fluorescent grocery store, you're banging some big-boned gal in her firefighter-themed bedroom. This kind of realism ain't easy to achieve, which is why so many movies feel so phony. Perhaps Aronofsky doesn't reinvent the wheel technically or visually (hasn't he done that enough?), but this movie would have been derailed by flashy camera tricks. Perhaps the script, by former Onion editor-in-chief Robert Siegel, isn't twisty and experimental, it doesn't need to be. It's a character study, and one on a par with those amazing 70's films that clearly inspired it. I've seen it three times, I'll see it three more. This is one of my favorites of the decade, and easily my favorite movie of the year. Whatever winds up in second place will be miles behind. 

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON (B-)

Benjamin Button is a beautiful film, and there are moments in it that are unlike anything I've seen. It's a technical marvel, and the special effects are special indeed and actually serve the story. I certainly admired this Forrest Gump Dark trip through a man's reverse life, I just didn't like it. It's pretty fucking hard to like. The main issue here is the unbearable length, a real problem with movies this year. She's about three hours, folks. Coulda been two real easy. This is an adaptation of an F. Scott Fitzgerald short story! SHORT! The entire middle hour, with high seas adventure and a deadly dull Tilda Swinton romance could have been cut with no effect on anything. Do these people hire editors?

But you know, there's enough good here that I could have gone along with the whole thing if a stronger actor was carrying things. If Meet Joe Black taught me anything (other than how quickly I can become suicidal), it's that Brad Pitt should not be the centerpiece of a three hour movie. He brings nothing to the table here. Nada. Luckily, he's got the great Cate Blanchett to make him look better, but can we all agree to stop pretending Pitt is some kind of major talent? He's a great set of abs who's banging a great set of tits. That's it. Even in his "good" performances, he is very obviously "acting!". I am a major David Fincher fan, but just as Scorsese needs to quit working with DiCaprio, Fincher needs to find another muse. Oh, and speaking of DiCaprio... 

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD (B+)

Did you just get engaged? Go see something else. This is an endlessly depressing and utterly hopeless look at marriage. No one in the film is happy, and the suggestion is that no one in the film will ever be happy. Merry Christmas! The movie is great looking, Winslet and DiCaprio are very strong, there is an outstanding supporting turn from Michael Shannon, and the whole affair is gripping from start to finish. Really, the only problem Revolutionary Road has is that so many films have done the suburban misery thing before, and done it far better. Off the top of my head, there's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, War of the Roses, The Ice Storm, even American Beauty, which, like Road, was directed by Winslet's husband (awkward much?) Sam Mendes. Those films just cut deeper, hit harder, resonated more strongly. The 50's workplace stuff here might have been really interesting, but we're already getting the best possible version of that with Mad Men. So what we have here is a very good movie that needed to be very great to stand out among the greats that preceded it. It's not, so it doesn't. 

YES MAN (C+) 

Let's talk about Jim Carrey. I hate when people use the word "brave" to describe acting. There's nothing brave about it. If you're taking your clothes off, okay, that's kind of brave. But firemen, policemen, armed forces...they're brave. You're spending your days in a trailer having whatever you want to eat and drink brought to you. You're not brave. And yet, I wouldn't balk if you referred to Jim Carrey's early work that way. Carrey's Ace Ventura is one of the bravest comedy performances of all time. Carrey played that role so many miles over the top that it could have been career suicide. His work in Dumb and Dumber was just as raw, just as fascinating and insane. That tense, manic, angry, wounded energy is nowhere on display in The Yes Man. Jim Carrey is trying to "do" Jim Carrey, and it's disappointing and occasionally sad to watch. He seems like nothing in the world bothers him, and that's not funny at all. Getting happy ruins musical careers and it ruins comedy careers. Carrey squandered his prime funny years trying to prove how serious an actor he was. And now we're left with the hollow shell onscreen here.

All that being said, The Yes Man is a very sweet movie. Zooey Deschanel is as adorable here as she was in Elf, and that's saying something. Her romance with Carrey really works, and that's enough to make the whole flick go down real smooth. Unfortunately, it's just not funny. At all. The great John Michael Higgins - usually a laugh machine - is completely wasted. Joke after joke fizzles and dies. But it sure is pleasant to watch. If pleasant is enough for you, and it certainly is for most of the moviegoing public, check it out. But this baby screams "Hungover Sunday HBO On Demand Viewing."

VALKYRIE (C) 

"Okay, everybody. Say cheese!" 

The pulse-pounding story of the attempt to kill Hitler?! Sounds awesome. Wait a minute...Hitler killed himself. So, ah...these guys didn't do shit then, right? Oh, and they all died? Hmm. That doesn't sound like much fun. The attempt itself must be really exciting, though, yeah? No? Just a tiny failed bombing? Ahhhhh. Well, how is Tom Cruise's German accent? What do you mean, he doesn't use one? He's playing a German officer, right? Well, what kind of accent does he...no accent? None? Just speaks like Tom Cruise in Risky Fucking Business? How about the other actors playing Germans? They mostly use British accents? Well, isn't that stupid? Does anyone speak with German accents? The German actors, right. So you've got people with British, German, and American accents having conversations, and they're all supposed to be from the same location? Doesn't seem like that would work at all. It doesn't? Uh-huh. And doesn't Tom Cruise talking like Jerry Fucking Maguire in WWII Germany come off as a little out of place? It does. Okay. I figured. So...why am I seeing this again? I'm not? I should just see something else? Okay. Sounds good. Nice talking to you.

Have high hopes for all the big holiday Oscar movies? Sorry. Almost all of 2008's "prestige pictures" are tremendous letdowns. 

SEVEN POUNDS (D)

Will Smith follows up the trainwreck that was Hancock with a movie that is worse. The director, Gabriele Muccino, collaborated with Smith on The Pursuit of Happyness, which I thought was terrific. Something went deeply wrong here. The marketing campaign pretends this movie has some amazing secret twist that they can not reveal, and indeed the film doesn't let you know what's going on for 9/10 of the frustrating, miserable running time. But if you can be bothered to keep your eyes open, you will see the "twist" coming twenty miles away. What you might not predict is exactly how Will Smith will act out his mystery plan, and that is where the script by Grant Nieporte really starts to fall apart. I dare you to keep from giggling during the soon-to-be-infamous "bathtub scene." The movie is completely devoid of humor and energy, and just relentlessly drags, lurching from one Grey's Anatomy musical montage to the next. It's a shameful movie, really, redeemed only slightly by a pretty neat final scene, by Rosario Dawson's endlessly delightful rack, and by a Woody Harrelson toupee that must be seen to believed. Bad. 

Oh, and are you curious as to what the title means? You will be after the movie too. 

 DOUBT (A-) 

John Patrick Shanley (directing for the first time since Joe Vs. the Volcano, a movie that is just now starting to get its long-deserved due)'s Doubt is an extremely juicy actors' showcase, and since we're talking about a couple of the best actors alive, I say let 'em do their stuff. Meryl Streep is excellent (and maybe channeling Nancy Marchand's Livia Soprano?) as a hardcore nun at a Catholic school shortly after the Kennedy assassination. Philip Seymour Hoffman is typically strong as a priest who may or may not be molesting students. And they go at it big time, in one expertly written scene after another. I've seen the movie twice, had long conversations debating every key moment after both screenings, and still have my...doubts...about what exactly happened. Just about every scene can be read pretty much however you want, which is pretty exciting. It's nice just to have something to talk about after a movie. I never saw the Broadway play, so can't make that comparison. But comparing it to the other films of 2008, Doubt easily ranks near the tippy top of a crappy crop. Powerful stuff. (Both the movie and that rhyme I just laid down.)

QUANTUM OF SOLACE (C)

Several friends told me "After the opening car chase, it's pretty bad." You can imagine my disappointment when I walked into the screening as the opening car chase was ending. What I did see left me feeling exactly like every other James Bond movie I've seen: "This was exactly like every other James Bond movie I've seen." I didn't think Casino Royale was some bold new step forward for the franchise, I don't think Daniel Craig is some electric screen presence, and the action and certainly story of Quantum of Solace are nowhere near enough to make this thing stand out in a post-Bourne world. Hot chicks, though. So there's that. 

AUSTRALIA (C+)

Ever wish there was a historical Australian romance between the coldest actress alive and a clearly gay man? Did you further wish it could be directed by the "MAKE IT BIGGER AND LOUDER AND MORE OBNOXIOUS!" filmmaker who vomited the inexplicably adored Moulin Rouge all over us a few years ago? And that it contained uneasy messages about racism? And that it could run nearly three hours? Well, wish no more! That movie is here! Sigh. Director Baz Luhrman turns down the Moulin Rougeiness to some degree - at least I never wanted to claw my eyes and ears out with Australia. It's a pleasant enough throwback to the epic filmmaking of decades ago, and it's absolutely gorgeous to look at, with some really impressive cinematography and effective action sequences. But at the end of the day, who in God's name wanted three hours of this? 

 WENDY AND LUCY (C) 

Young woman's car breaks down in a small town. Little by little, her money situation goes from bad to worse. She loses her dog, too. That's all, folks! I tell you, she just can't find that dog! God damn, it's exciting! This is one of those movies critics like to champion for its "realism," but the fact of the matter is, real life is pretty fucking boring sometimes. Today I woke up, had some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and worked on a script. I'll be heading to the gymnasium momentarily. That's the realism of my life this week. I'm not going to be making a movie out of it. It's a shame this thing just sits there like it does, because I should have related very strongly to the tale of a young person with a constant, terrified eye on her bank account. I was there less than a year ago. 

Michelle Williams is fine, I suppose. She doesn't wear makeup, so you know she's really fucking serious. There is one tremendously likable character - the security guard beautifully played by Wally Dalton. But Williams' character can barely muster the energy to thank him for all he does for her, and so you wind up not giving a shit about her. And when you don't give a shit about a character who's in every single scene, an 80 minute movie (which this is) feels more like 120. Director Kelly Reichardt also did Old Joy, which has been repeatedly recommended to me and which has sat on my DVR for six months. If it's anything like this, I'm confident I'm not missing much.